


Poker and Pet Names

by ARPoet7, GillianGrissom



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Nudity, One-sided Kasumi/Jacob, Steve Cortez should think before he speaks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-08
Updated: 2013-04-08
Packaged: 2017-12-07 20:11:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/752567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ARPoet7/pseuds/ARPoet7, https://archiveofourown.org/users/GillianGrissom/pseuds/GillianGrissom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Also known as:  Kasumi is sneaky, Tali is a cuddly drunk, Kaidan and Shepard have no boundaries, Grunt's laugh is a little lecherous, no one- except Kaidan, of course- wanted to see that, Shepard, and no one ever wins a bet against Kaidan Alenko.</p><p>Really, it's about what happens when Cortez's mouth gets ahead of his brain while playing poker at the Mshenko apartment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Poker and Pet Names

**Author's Note:**

> Just for clarity, this is set post-destruction ending. EDI is handwaved to have survived. Also, this is significantly more cracky than our other work. Also Shepard is a nudist. We would say we're sorry about that, but we aren't.

Most parties held at the Shepard-Alenko apartment did not quite end the same way the first one had. ' _Which_ ,’ Cortez thought, smiling, ‘ _is probably a good thing, seeing as not long after that party, the galaxy nearly ended._ ' This particular party had so far failed to produce a drunk Krogan asleep in a shower, a Quarian falling over the bathroom floor mumbling about suit seals, or the lounge being used as a shooting gallery.

It did have things in common with other Shepard-Alenko parties. Kasumi was . . . cloaked and hiding out somewhere—who knew where—going through drawers or waiting for the perfect moment to appear and make some sort of vaguely inappropriate comment. Vega had told Cortez once that you could always find Kasumi if you kept your eyes on Jacob, and Garrus claimed his visor let him see subtle shifts in the air, so he knew where she was, but Cortez had seen both of them jump when Kasumi decloaked. Vega was wearing half his drink, that made his shirt, which was already too tight to begin with, stick to him in interesting ways that Cortez was totally noticing, but not noticing in the middle of a poker game. Garrus, who's idea of "relaxed" meant taking off the heavy Turian armor and replacing it with light Turian armor, leaned backwards just enough that he bumped Tali, leaning over his shoulder to look at his cards, causing her to lose her balance. Garrus caught her, laughing, and slung her across his lap. Cortez personally thought that light Turian armor, or any kind of armor, wasn't all that comfortable to cuddle up to, but Tali had drank a bit more than he had, and she was still wearing her enviro-suit, so it didn't seem to bother her at all.

Cortez hadn't seen Shepard or Kaidan for the last four hands, but then that wasn't uncommon either. It was a good thing none of the crew in the apartment had been living under either a very small or very isolated rock since before Sovereign’s invasion, and therefore hadn’t figured out that Shepard and Kaidan had been pining after each other since Shepard first took command of the Normandy SR-1. He had no doubt that someone would have taken shameless advantage of that obliviousness and won at least a midsize wager—betting that person that Shepard and Kaidan were upstairs in their room, door shut and biotic blue light emanating from any open space around it. The Shepard-Alenko wedding had been dubbed 'the wedding of the century' by the press, and they'd nearly rioted when none of them were allowed inside the building for the ceremony. The "Shalenko Wedding," as it had nicknamed, had been the cover story of all of the tabloids and ninety-five percent of the legitimate news sites for months before the wedding had actually happened. Since then, Shepard and Kaidan had “christened” nearly every flat surface in the Normandy SR-2, horizontal or vertical, and every surface in their apartment. Cortez mostly tried his very hardest to not think about what may or may not have happened on any particular surface he worked on and thanked whoever might be listening that they at least cleaned up after themselves.

Grunt, sitting on the side of the table opposite to the tangle of limbs that had been labeled "Taligarrus" by the press, slapped down his bet and grinned at Vega, making the grunting chuckle that he _should_ have been named for. Cortez always thought that Grunt’s laugh sounded a bit like someone rubbing gravel together, but the Krogan seemed partial to it, claiming it was “his trademark” –along with a shotgun to the face—so Steve felt less than compelled to say anything. He started to reach up towards the burn scars on his head, but as he did it, Wrex shouted from the lounge, where he and Zaeed were probably setting up the shooting gallery Cortez had hoped to avoid. 

"Grunt!"

"Wrex!" 

"Grunt!"

"Wrex!"

This time, a female voice cut in over Wrex, for which Cortez was thankful. He'd forgotten that Urdnot Bakara had come to this particular gathering, and that she was the very best remedy to prevent Wrex and Grunt from screaming each other's names for the next four hours. She would also keep the shooting gallery from happening. 

Vega tapped Cortez's hand, pulling him back from his musings on Bakara and female Krogan in general. 

"Hey Esteban, take a vid, it’ll last longer. Or maybe we should just find our own room and make it glow,” he said, grinning his best lecherous grin, the one that made Steve want to punch him and also want to kiss the daylights out of him for being so ridiculous. Steve hadn’t realized that he had been staring earlier, but now his gaze was fixed on Vega, and pointedly so. "You know, you can forfeit, if you're too distracted by the utter awesome that is my abs."

The next words that came out of Steve’s mouth simply fell out like someone had hacked his brain. "You wish, Vegabear," he said, before he thought about it, and froze. Vega’s eyes were wide with abject horror at the use of the pet name as he simply shook his head, placed his face in his palms, and prayed to God that no one had heard.

There was a sudden dropping feeling in Steve’s stomach. It was very similar to the feeling of deceleration that he experienced while flying the Kodiak; giving him the sensation that he’d just dropped about fifty feet in the span of a whole second—not exactly pleasant. He called James "Vegabear" when they were in private, when they were cuddling, or essentially anytime his brain worked well enough to put the three syllables together; so everywhere but in bed, where he called him "James," or “Jimmy,” if he wanted to rile him up. Vega was the far more vocal of the two of them in that particular situation, but he'd never done it in front of the crew. Everyone who had been within a hundred feet of the Normandy cargo bay knew that Steve and James were at the very least sleeping together—there's only so much you can hide on a ship that size—but they'd never openly acknowledged it. And they most certainly had never told anyone they'd made it to the pet names stage. 

Steve had no idea what he was anticipating everyone's reaction to be, but Joker's outburst of "Goddammit!" in reference to his newly revealed relationship was not high on the list. Cortez hadn't even heard Joker come into the room. Tali and Garrus seemed not to have noticed and were more preoccupied with giggling amongst themselves. Grunt made his name-noise laugh again, with his grin now turned on Cortez. 

Kaidan, who for some strange reason hadn't yet managed to put on a shirt and whose hair was wet from the shower, came into the game room, passing Joker, who'd sat down at the bar. As he passed Joker, he tossed him a credit chit, mumbling "Goddammit, I should know better than to bet against 'Kaidan I-keep-what-I-win-and-I-win-everything Alenko.'" Cortez thought that everyone on the Normandy would have learned that lesson after the intensely awkward game of strip poker that had occurred—everyone except Shepard of course, and Cortez was fairly sure that Shepard had lost on purpose. By the end of the game, everyone but Kaidan—who hadn’t lost a stitch—had lost all their clothes. Afterwards, however, Shepard had demanded that Kaidan give back his N7 briefs even though the likelihood of Kaidan wearing them the next day by accident was extremely high.

Kaidan, for his part, mostly grinned knowingly at Cortez and Vega before getting into what appeared to be a very in-depth conversation about the fact that Joker was, in fact, dating the ship's surveillance system. How could he not know? 

Cortez was relieved that the rest of the crew seemed mildly uninterested in the revelation, except for Kaidan, who was now in the process of consoling a tipsy Joker.

“Kaidan, were you making bets on whether or not James and I were together?” Cortez finally asked.

Kaidan reached behind the bar, popped the lid off of a Canadian lager, and took a long swig before answering the question with a self-satisfied grin. “Sorry, Cortez, everyone knows that you’re gay, but I had a sneaking suspicion about Lieutenant Vega, and I was right. This biotic’s gaydar is off the charts!”

Vega snorted before taking a shot of his rotgut tequila and muttering, “Must be a side effect of those faulty L2 implants you have, Major…”

Kaidan gave a sideways dirty glance. “Nah, more like all your alpha-male posturing that gave it away, Vega.”

Tali, who was now propped up between Garrus’ legs and sitting on the floor, interjected. “No, I definitely knew early…*hic*…on. No man looks at himself that much in the mirror. And then there was that one time I heard you call Cortez, ‘Estebear.’” At the mention of the name, Vega’s face nearly drained so completely of color that it became translucent. “I mean, really… *hic* …what is it with humans and bears? They aren’t even cute! And they look like they could eat your feet!” As Tali finished her commentary, Garrus merely patted her gently on the head, and the Quarian looked up with what he assumed was an adorable look. “Could we find some dextro-cheese?”

Garrus flexed his mandibles into a smile. “Sure thing, honey.” And with that, the Quarian and Turian scrambled to their feet and shuffled their way drunkenly into the kitchen.

Vega’s mouth opened and closed in a way that looked similar to a fish flailing on dry land. It appeared that he was about to protest Tali’s accusations when suddenly there was a scream from upstairs. 

“Commander, oh my God,” shrieked an intensely British voice. The howl of terror that came from Traynor’s mouth was followed by a loud crash, another scream, and the snapping echo of biotics activating.

Traynor for some reason had fallen over the railing of the second story and nearly broken a limb until Liara had managed to catch her mid-air with her biotics. Liara gently guided the Comm Specialist to the ground before releasing her from the stasis. Everyone who had been in the poker room was now leaning out of the doorframe into the corridor, watching Traynor as she scooped herself up, dusted herself off and muttered something about “needing a strong drink,” as she vanished into the kitchen.

There was the distinct sound of bare, wet feet slapping down the stairs as Liara shouted from the upper balcony.

“By the Goddess, Shepard! Put some clothes on! You nearly killed Samantha! Getting married to Kaidan has clearly taught you bad habits,” the Asari shouted in admonishment.

In complete disbelief, the entire group within the poker room stared as the stark naked and dripping figure of Commander Shepard rounded the corner of the stairs and marched obliviously down the hallway. 

“Are all humans so small,” Grunt chuckled, and Kaidan threatened to head-butt him in response.

“Huh. Shepard has an inner nudist,” Joker said, and Kaidan couldn’t disagree with that.

Kasumi materialized out of a corner with a glowing omni-tool, and commented absent-mindedly, “I could be the richest woman in the galaxy if I record this and upload it to the Extranet.” Kaidan then promptly threatened to use his Spectre authority to make sure that no one would ever find the body. She shrugged, “Well, at least the age-old question of shaved or unshaven is answered.” 

Vega shifted uncomfortably in his seat, placing a possessive hand on Cortez’s knee, he shot a glance that seemed to say, ‘Don’t even look sideways, Steve.’ Steve stared back at James, with a half-cocked grin on his lips, caused by James’ permeating jealousy. It hadn’t been a secret to Vega that Steve had developed feelings for Shepard for a short while after their trip to the memorial wall, but when the two men had decided on a relationship, Steve had reassured him that it had been a small crush—hero worship—and nothing else. Vega felt better after they had talked about it, but he had never been with another man—claimed that he never wanted to be—so, Steve allowed some room for jealousy. He had actually found James’ possessiveness somewhat endearing.

Shepard waltzed into the room as though nothing was out of place.

“John, what are you doing,” Kaidan asked, clasping his forehead. “Walking around naked when it’s just you and me is one thing, but…”

“Kaidan, you said that you were gonna be right back, and that you were going to join me in the hot tub. It’s been at least a half hour and I was starting to look like a lobster. Get your biotic butt upstairs and into that tub, Major!” Shepard narrowed his gaze on Kaidan as though no one else was standing there watching him drip on the expensive floor.

“Ew.” Garrus chimed in from the kitchen.

A lusty smile covered Kaidan’s face. “You’re so impatient.”

Shepard crossed his arms in the traditional Commander Shepard fashion, leaning slightly to the side. “Have you seen your ass Kaidan? How could I not be impatient?”

Kaidan moved beside Shepard, turning him around and directing him back the way he came. “No, I haven’t, John; but now everyone has seen yours. So, move!” Kaidan punctuated the order with a slap on Shepard’s ass, causing it to bounce, and the man to skip forward a step. Ripples of blue splashed across the Major’s body as the two began ascending the stairs and disappeared above.

Before their voices completely faded upstairs, Liara called out after them, “And shut the door this time!”

Grunt smacked his lips as though he was trying to get rid of a bad taste in his mouth. “Whelp, there’s no un-seeing that.”

“I know. Isn’t it great,” Kasumi added.

Completely unaware of what was going on around them—Steve had moved to James’ seat and was now situated comfortably on the larger man’s muscled thigh. Steve snaked his forearm around James’ neck, admiring the familiar facial scars as he placed a chaste kiss on Vega’s lips. James positioned one hand on Steve’s ribcage and another precariously high on his inner thigh while returning the kiss in a more lascivious fashion, which involved tongue and the potential for a hickey.

Steve smiled into the kiss and broke the moment with a singular breath. “Wanna go work out in Shepard’s weight room,” he asked in a tone that conveyed everything he wanted it to.

“Thought you’d never ask, Estebear,” replied James. 

Kasumi watched as the two men left hand-in-hand, kissing and stumbling as they made their way. “Huh. Must be something in the water.”

“I need to go drink some water then,” Grunt said in response. “I’ve got a blue rock I need to give to Liara, anyways. Heh heh heh…”

Kasumi seemed to ignore the Krogan. “I need to get Jacob to drink the water.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you squint at it, there are clues to the mishaps of a future fic hidden through this one. Also, Tali, bears are adorable.


End file.
